So I think I’ve had a breakthrough. They happen every once and awhile, but if they don’t get written down, I forget about them and it’s lost with my next thought.

I’ve lived a long time for a person my age. A lot of things have happened to me and I think I’ve taken most of them pretty well. But I think I’ve really had a problem with my identity this year. Who am I? And what have I become? I think I can finally answer that.

I’ve become afraid. Afraid that the image I’ve painting of my future won’t happen, that I can’t life up to my standards. That “getting through” middle school, high school, college won’t be worth it because what it leads to won’t be what I want. And I realized that through this I’ve set up for failure. I’ve said “all I have to do is get through this so I can finally do…” and that’s the problem. I’ve forgotten that there’s no real destination but a really long journey. And this year I’ve been worrying about the destination and trying to forget the journey, when right now, I just need to forget the destination and remember the journey.

There are a couple of problems I’ve encountered along the way. Family and Friends. Who has really been there for me, and who has left me when I really needed them? Sometimes I’ve depended on people who can’t be counted on and forgotten about some things. People are fickle. If I know anything about archaeology and fashion, its seriation and trends. My friends are going to come and go. It’s just the truth. The only person I can really depend on is myself. And I’ve spent this whole semester asking myself “what’s wrong with me?” Going to doctors, talking to therapists, losing friends. And the entire time, there was really nothing wrong with me. I just didn’t depend on myself. I hoped that I would have friends through thick and thin and that if I was hurt, I could have someone to rely on. I really don’t. Nobody does. And what I realized today is, even though it hurts sometimes, it’s ok. And I’m ok. And I can lose a friendship or mess up a test or fuck up the fax machine again or whatever and tomorrow if I can depend on myself everything is ok.

Take more bubble baths.