~looks around a little bit~

~brushes dust off the keyboard~

Wow. It’s been quite a bit of time that’s elapsed!

Nothing much to say except “Hullo” and that I miss many of you

And as we enter into the season…

Happy Holidays!

Guess who’s coming home on Thursday?

So I think I’ve had a breakthrough. They happen every once and awhile, but if they don’t get written down, I forget about them and it’s lost with my next thought.

I’ve lived a long time for a person my age. A lot of things have happened to me and I think I’ve taken most of them pretty well. But I think I’ve really had a problem with my identity this year. Who am I? And what have I become? I think I can finally answer that.

I’ve become afraid. Afraid that the image I’ve painting of my future won’t happen, that I can’t life up to my standards. That “getting through” middle school, high school, college won’t be worth it because what it leads to won’t be what I want. And I realized that through this I’ve set up for failure. I’ve said “all I have to do is get through this so I can finally do…” and that’s the problem. I’ve forgotten that there’s no real destination but a really long journey. And this year I’ve been worrying about the destination and trying to forget the journey, when right now, I just need to forget the destination and remember the journey.

There are a couple of problems I’ve encountered along the way. Family and Friends. Who has really been there for me, and who has left me when I really needed them? Sometimes I’ve depended on people who can’t be counted on and forgotten about some things. People are fickle. If I know anything about archaeology and fashion, its seriation and trends. My friends are going to come and go. It’s just the truth. The only person I can really depend on is myself. And I’ve spent this whole semester asking myself “what’s wrong with me?” Going to doctors, talking to therapists, losing friends. And the entire time, there was really nothing wrong with me. I just didn’t depend on myself. I hoped that I would have friends through thick and thin and that if I was hurt, I could have someone to rely on. I really don’t. Nobody does. And what I realized today is, even though it hurts sometimes, it’s ok. And I’m ok. And I can lose a friendship or mess up a test or fuck up the fax machine again or whatever and tomorrow if I can depend on myself everything is ok.

Take more bubble baths.

I have the ABBA money song stuck in my head… mostly because it seems like I’m always giving mine away for things I don’t want to (aka the stupid dorm losing my keys but making me pay for them)… annnnnnnnnnnnd that’s all I have to say about that.

However, I have found solace in watercolor.

P.S. Is ANYTHING offensive about the word “dorm”?? Because according to the conference I unfortunately got sucked into helping has a 25 cents fine if you say dorm instead of “residence hall.” I say, screw the whole thing. But, I’m spineless, what can I say?

Well… I’ve officially reached a new low. Sitting home alone (after my shift at work was canceled) in my underwear ((in my defense, I have no air conditioning AND I have a whole apartment to myself 24/7)) making jello and scrubbing the counters… I would feel like trailer trash (especially because there’s nothing online except Dr. Phil and Emril on Food Network) but the underwear is Urban Outfitters, so that bumps me up to maybe MILF level (minus the ILF part).

Yup, summer sure is awesome. lol. Actually, I’m really glad that I actually have the free time to do this. Between working 3 jobs, going to summer school full time, and working out all the kinks after getting my purse stolen last week (AKA walking 8 miles to the DMV in Oakland… yeah… really really shady), I generally leave my apartment at 8 AM and get back at 11 PM. So, I’m welcoming the semi-creepy time to myself.

However, my socialization has primarily become the people I work with (that are all way older than me) and reading Shopgirl [which I just finished and I'd like to say, I was totally rooting for the old guy the whole time, WHAT would Freud say?!]… Not like all you kids can call me, since you know, you guys don’t have fingers to dial my number. Psh. The only person that calls is my mom (not that I don’t appreciate the Southern chats).

Ok… I’m going to stop this rant because I know it’s going to go in a bad place since my boyfriend hasn’t called ONCE on his own since he went back to the stupid town he would screw and worship if it was a girl (psh, San Diego). But much like Mirabelle, I find myself sticking around because frankly, even if he isn’t madly in love with me like he is with his future political career, at least I have someone, right? I mean, look at me. Hmm… I guess that’s the problem. I feel like no one ever does. Sometimes, I really wish that I could just do the regular “dating” thing (give a nice guy your number, he takes you out, 3rd date rules apply if he’s cute and into you, etc), but how can I do the dating thing if guys aren’t interested in me? It’s just kind of sad to look back at this year and realize that this serious relationship started because I was aggressive and refused to leave the courtyard on my birthday until he told me how he felt about me. I just would like to die having been courted. Is that too much to ask!?

…so like I said, I’m not going to go into that rant. Too messy. I’ll save it for the bff that I don’t have. Ouch… those self-condemning comments just naturally slip themselves in!

On a lighter note, I’m really enjoying summer school (especially since it only lasts for 6 weeks, right about the time that I get bored with the class and stop going lol). My professor is really cool and she’s totally into bioarchaeology, which is a field that is lacking in most of the anthro coursework.

I got some piercings. They make me happy and elfish (Ok, I really don’t think that I’m the only one who thinks they make ears look pointy). The place I got them in gave me a bumper sticker thing that says:

My Honor Student Gets Pierced At Zebra (Berkeley, CA)

Only in Berkeley. Chuckles.

Anyway, I’m going to continue playing “naughty” homemaker. Um not really. But that stays on this blog.

Annnnnnd, if you ever find yourself nursing a whim to visit me, I’d very much enjoy it. Give me a call since I miss everyone and don’t have anyone’s number since my phone was stolen. Tear.

Happy Hump Day from the loudest wallflower in Berkeley.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so I totally wrote that last post when I was flipping high as a kite off my Ambien (sleep medication). I think it’s because I haven’t taken it in like a week and I was already tired, but of course couldn’t sleep… I have to track down the embarrassing things I did last night now. lol. Have a good day everyone!

ah how I love to remark on my Ambien enduced euphoria! LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Anyway, so I was starting at a chalkboard and the chalk clouds and smudges and chalk lines started moving and forming and it make an entire story! It was beautiful.

ew I totally let my xanga obsession go…. but I’m back and better than ever!!

So, news.

I’m not coming home for summer fun 06! I’m really sad. Sitting here at the International House stealing wireless thinking about how I’m stuck here for 3 months taking 4 units while everyone else is having creepy Redlands fun. Tear drop.

Also, my Zoloft stopped working. So everyone here hates me again. What-fudging-ever. It only pisses me off because the people I really care about and who care about me don’t get to hang out over the summer I miss you guys tons.

um………. yeah. I start renting my apartment this Monday and I’m excited. I’ll be close to Lizzy and finally be albe to get away from all the people that are lame here. I’d have par-tays, but everyone I’d invite will be having SUMMER FUN 06! Ah, I need to focus on something else…….

Anyway, this turned into a really emo insecure post. Give me a call this weekend b/c I’ll just be working my life away at the I-House making money just to give back to the UC system.

~mushroom sigh~

I’ve learned many many things this semester. Most importantly… people
don’t know how to deal and can’t handle anything out of the routine. If
I don’t fit in with someone’s idea of a typical “friend,” I’m
outcasted. If I’m not happy and joyous and “gee golly gosh let’s have
some tea!”  I  get  told that I need to “fix a lot of
things in my life” … whereupon I realize that stating some of the
things that run through my head at the time, probably just reaffirm the
above statement.

I’ve learned that no one wants to hear about psychiatrists, therapists,
ambien, hallucinations, or Zoloft. It’s something that I grew so
accustomed to everyone at home just joking and discussing, that I
figured the rest of the world must be just as tolerant. I mean, this is
2006 and I’m going to the best public university in the world
(debatable) with such “liberal minds” but I find that the people I left
in uber-conservative Redlands could deal with the fact that the world
wasn’t all sunshine smiles and “I have 2 closets full of clothes…
zomg this is overwhelming what  do I wear?!” problems.

I’ve also learned that I really don’t care much for this semester. It’s
just very hard to just care. This statement has been said at numerable
inappropriate times (ex. “I’m feeling really shaky… like I’m going to
throw up” “[me] … I just wish I cared more…”) but all in all, I’ve
realized that something that’s become positive is a new apathy toward
people. I’ve grown up  with the mind that people’s opinion
mattered so much to me and now that I’m just kind of like “whatever, do
what you want, just don’t bother me about it” … I have to say, I’m
just more content about life.

Sitting in my room, drinking a whole bottle of Martinelli’s, wearing an
eye-patch, looking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, and playing
pirate is OK. I’m not normal… but I’m better than the slaves to
society I’ve met here. And I’m glad.

Oh, and by the way, I don’t care if some people think I talk about it
too much… I’m just peachy with my sleeping pill induced
hallucinations and I LIKE seeing the Beatles performing in my room. I’m
not going to stop taking them. People can get over it. (It’s funny how
these comments are directed to people who don’t even see this. ha.)

Disneyland this weekend. Lizzy and I saw Walt Disney in Dwinelle. And it was good. Have a stickupforyourself weekend!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd I think to myself: what a disenchanted world.

The meter is a bit off, but other than that…